I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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