well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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