How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
