Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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