All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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