i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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