We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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