sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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