If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize