My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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