You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My vagina is officially offended.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
