id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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