i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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