I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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