Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
