It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
not ubering you a puppy
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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