No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
