dude i'm inner monologue high
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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