6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
