My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
