Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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