ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
