Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
