So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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