i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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