Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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