i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
