i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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