If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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