i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
