I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
