I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
