I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
