The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
