Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
