naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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