Do you still have your period?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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