Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Please don't give away my fajitas
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