You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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