flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
His hands were made for my vagina.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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