i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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