he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
