my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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