mondays should just be called national damage control day
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You took a bar mat shot.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
