so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
