There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
