Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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