No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You're a waste of cheezeits
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
