I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
