My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
