He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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