My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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