Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
