i think my tv is drunk
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
