My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
