It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
